Have you ever met someone and instantly knew you didn't like them before they even opened their mouth? You don't like the way they act or what they're doing, and you feel like you know their 'type.' Getting to know them seems unnecessary. Welcome to understanding your triggers! Let's dive in.
What is a trigger? Let me give you a very basic example. My ex-husband's name was painful to say for a very long time. Does that mean every man with that name is someone I should avoid? No, but I can't deny that I don't like saying that name and it disturbs me. I can't deny that when I hear someone yell that name, my heart races and my mind speeds up. What is that about?
Triggers live inside us because our mind wants to protect us from perceived threats. When something hurts us deeply, our amazing mind files it away as "dangerous" and then scans for similar patterns to keep us safe. But sometimes, our brain isn't very good at distinguishing between a real threat and someone who just happens to share a name, look, or mannerism with someone who hurt us in the past.
Will a trigger ever go away? The answer is a hesitant yes, if you are willing to do the work and let go. So many times, the issue in front of us isn't the only thing we need to let go of. It's the issue in front of us plus the life experiences that are also triggered, adding additional emotions to the current situation.
Think of it like this: you're not just reacting to what's happening right now. You're reacting to right now PLUS that time in middle school when someone embarrassed you PLUS that boss who dismissed your ideas PLUS that friend who betrayed your trust. All these experiences stack up like layers, making your current reaction much bigger than the present moment actually warrants. It's a lot, I know! So why didn't I let go of it to begin with?
I hate to say this, but you know that word we all find annoying? Forgiveness. Well, this is where it comes into play. And again, I ask the question that plagued me for years: how do you forgive? The loop begins because most people will answer by saying, "you just need to let go." But how do you let go of something that hurts and won't stop playing over and over in your mind?
When I was deeply immersed in a faith-based mindset, a mentor of mine gave me a 10-page printout of the steps to take in forgiving someone. What a daunting task, especially for someone I didn't want to forgive. Why exert more energy on this person and situation? But if I walked away with anything after reading this task list, the bottom line was this: if I wanted freedom and a joyful life, the effort was for me. The forgiveness was for me.
Now I can't say that I executed the prescribed order of forgiveness as the text indicated, but I did take the main lesson with me. Forgiveness doesn't happen in one instant. It is a purposeful, repetitive practice of blessing the person or situation that caused you pain. You heard me correctly. The person or thing you want to curse? Well, you need to do the opposite and bless them over and over.
What does this look like? For me, every time I had a negative thought about my ex-husband or any angry leftover emotions that revolved around my divorce, I simply wished Cliff, the name that held so much power over me, joy, peace, and love in his life. Maybe at first I said it through clenched teeth, but each time that negative thought popped into my mind, I shot back a blessing.
For some reason, we humans forget the most magnificent superpower we have. This power is the ability to control ourselves. You are the master and controller of your words, emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. You are. I know some of you will doubt that fact, but you really are. If not you, then who?
Knowing this, I am certain that you will be able to get into the habit of blessing someone each time a less-than-favorable thought about them pops into your mind. You don't have to let every thought hijack your day. You are in charge of your mind, not the other way around. Once you can demonstrate to your mind that you are the one who observes all the thoughts, then you can also be the one who steers those thoughts.
This is a huge step in growing joy in your life. Think about it: if you can forgive people, move on, and stop accumulating triggers in your life, all that is left is joy, love, and peace. And that is a decision you get to make. To me, it's a no-brainer. So let's implement this practice of giving blessings rather than curses toward people. That includes the slow driver in front of you!
Looking at my own triggers, I absolutely see a difference. I can't explain how emotional I was during and after my divorce. I dreaded going to events where I would run into Cliff. Now, if anything, I feel compassion for the man I once loved. I feel gratitude for the family we experienced and remain certain that he will be able to forgive me someday as well. How am I certain? Because that is part of my blessing for him.
There is no room in my heart for unforgiveness anymore. All it does is confine me. I want to experience as much as I can in this life. I had to learn how to love without boundaries and forgive as needed, as many times as needed. I held grudges and anger against people and never took accountability for my part in disagreements. It cost me in many various ways. I am so grateful I finally understand why Jesus said to turn the other cheek. I finally understand how he remained silent while he was persecuted. Oh, how I strive to be like that.
So the next time you meet someone who gives you that feeling of "I don't like you," that is a sure sign to get to know them and figure out what trigger they are poking at. Something about the way they look, speak, smell, act reminds you of something or someone else, totally unrelated. So take this opportunity to look at this trigger closer and forgive, let go, and get one step closer to a completely joyful life.
Stay Aware and Stay Rooted in Joy
